Make Way - For Feedback

When we feel like we are right about pretty much everything we need to stop and take a good long look at ourselves. Unfortunately, we can think more highly of ourselves than is helpful to our relating. It is healthy to embrace our strengths but it is healthier to make room for our limitations as well. For after all, we are merely human, not superior beings and we all have our foibles. Just as we are able to see other people’s idiosyncrasies, which we sometimes view as weird ways of interpreting things or going about life. Others can see things similarly about us that we might not even be aware of.

The Joharri model emphasises four windows of awareness.

1. Open window: things that are known to others and known to self.

2. Hidden window: things that are not known to others but known to self.

3. Blind spot window: things that are known to others and not known to self.

4. Unknown window: things that are not known to others and not known to self.

By willingly opening ourselves up to interpretation and inviting input, we can grow in our awareness of self, our awareness of how we are perceived and potentially choose to change or tweak how we relate. It is necessary for us to view this as feedback rather than criticism (often underlying our complaints) and not taking it personally (feeling defensive) in order to process what we have asked them to reveal. Taking time to reflect and consider their feedback and consider our response is also helpful to this process. After all, we get to choose whether we feel we need to change or tweak how we relate or not. Hopefully we can mindfully accept that others might see us a particular way and be accepting of that too. After all, it’s none of our business what someone else thinks of us. Unless it’s someone that we want to have an ongoing relationship with and we feel that something is getting in the way of our capacity to relate well enough. Ongoing conversation, kind inquiry and opportunity to check in with one another can provide the stability that we need for healthy relating.

Our partners can tell us what they notice about the way we respond, what they assume is the trigger, what family traits they can see, what they imagine is a result of past trauma and they can choose to engage in conversation to understand this or not. To foster a secure relationship we can invite this conversation and maybe even reciprocate our thoughts too. Asking your partner, sibling, cousin, children, longtime friend if they can help you to identify possible idiosyncrasies in order to understand our perception can be confronting. We all make assumptions and we all have the opportunity to grow in knowing ourselves better and others too. You may like to identify their idiosyncrasies but waiting until you’re asked to share or asking if it’s ok to reciprocate is definitely advisable. There is no right way of being and we need to adhere to the premise that everyone has the right to be treated well.

It is great to acknowledge our strengths and healthy to also nominate our limitations. It is also helpful to rewire our brains to focus on the positive qualities of those that we love. We all fall short but if our goal is to be as present and transparent in an ongoing loving relationship and not to fix another persons habits and character traits, then we have the makings of feedback that might bring about tears of relief, deeper connection and the capacity to laugh at ourselves.

If you’re stuck?

Let’s talk!